I'll Always Find My Way Back To You
by BabyBoomBoom0029
Summary: Angsty AU for the Breakup. Very sad, major character death but worth it in the end.


**A/N: This takes place during the Breakup in Season 5. The morning after. After Finn leaves and Kurt is in the living room. It's dark, sad and triggers for self-harm, suicide, and depression. Major character death. These characters are not mine if they did I'd scrap season 6. This was written in one day when I was feeling particularly depressed myself and instead of doing something I'd regret, I talked to my therapist and this vomited out later that day.**

Blaine awoke in a cold bed the next morning. He wished Kurt was by his side still asleep. Kurt must have slipped out of bed much earlier judging by the temperature of the sheets beside Blaine. He carefully changed and packed his duffel. He knew there was no way he was going to stay. Not after the fight they had the night before. Yes, he cheated. Yes, he was wrong. But he never stopped loving Kurt. Couldn't Kurt see that? Blaine made his way into the living room and stared at the sight before his eyes. Kurt was curled up on the sofa with a blanket tightly wrapped around him. Blaine could see the path his tears had left behind. Every so often he'd hear Kurt whimper in his restless sleep. Blaine had done that to Kurt. Blaine was the one in Kurt's nightmares. Blaine was the one that broke Kurt's heart. Blaine sighed as he watched Kurt sleep. He wanted to rush over to him, pull the older man into his arms and whisper words of unyielding love and devotion but he knew it would only wound Kurt even more. So instead he scrounged around for a piece of paper and a pen. He quickly scribbled a note ("_I'm sorry.-Blaine")_ and left it on the coffee table for Kurt to find when he woke up. He stole one small kiss on Kurt's forehead before swiftly walking out of the loft and out of Kurt's life.

* * *

Blaine walked through the doors of his house hoping that his parents weren't home. He didn't feel like listening to them complain about anything Blaine did or didn't do properly in their eyes. He detoured to the kitchen for a glass of water before heading to his bedroom. Blaine tossed the duffel in the corner, and flopped down on his bed. His eyes stung with unshed tears. Tears that he didn't deserve to cry because this whole mess was his fault. His mother was right when she said he was a failure. His father's words that Blaine was a coward and a liar rang true as well. Blaine tried to banish those thoughts from his mind only to be swarmed with a million more.

"**You'll never amount to anything!"**

"**We don't love you! No one loves you! We want you gone!"**

"**You're pathetic."**

"**You're stupid."**

"**You're a faggot."**

"**God damn fairy!"**

"**Keep up with this gay shit after you turn eighteen and you'll be cut from this family!"**

"**You're worthless."**

"**Spineless, useless, excuse for a human!"**

"**Lying dumbass!"**

"**You cheated on me!"**

"**We need to break up. I just can't do this."**

The tears streamed down Blaine's face in tiny rivers. His breathing caught between each sob. The pain in side was just too much. He couldn't take it anymore. Blaine made his way to his dresser and pulled out a small wooden box hidden in the back. The razor inside bounced the flecks of sunlight off its shiny metal. Blaine cried as he slid it across his skin leaving small red trails of blood behind. He hadn't cut in a while but, _god, _it felt so good. He continued tugging it across his skin marking lines to relieve the pain he couldn't get rid of. His sobs quieted as the blood continued to pour from his body in tiny droplets. He rooted around the box for the only other items in there. One sealed envelope and a bottle of sleeping pills he snagged from his parent's medicine cabinet. He couldn't face another day. He couldn't see Finn or Mr. Schue or Sam tomorrow. He couldn't bear it if he ran into Kurt's father. And he couldn't go on another day knowing he hurt Kurt so badly. The image of Kurt crying in his sleep was burned into his memory like a branding iron on a cow. Blaine cried as he opened the bottle of pills. This wasn't what he wanted to do but he had no other option. No way out of this mess. This would be better for everyone else. No one would have to deal with him anymore. He could just sleep and be gone. No longer a burden or a problem. No longer the source of pain and sorry. He could just go to sleep peacefully and never wake up. Blaine swallowed the pills in clumps. Not counting or caring how many were in there. He felt his muscles relax and his eyelids droop as they kicked in. His last thought was of Kurt and how he hoped Kurt would find the happiness that Blaine never could.

* * *

Finn Hudson never realized that when he dropped by the Anderson house early the next morning to talk to Blaine before school what he would find. He didn't know that upstairs lay the body of a young man whose life was taken too soon. He was surprised and terrified when the front door wasn't locked. He called out for Blaine as he carefully walked through the house. He knew the layout having been over a few times when Blaine's parents were out of town. Finn made his way up to Blaine's bedroom. A cloud of uneasiness settled over the hallway in front of the bedroom door. Finn knocked four times before opening the door. This moment. The moment he found Blaine's body on the floor would forever be the only thing Finn would remember. He didn't remember calling nine-one-one. He didn't remember calling his mom and Burt. He didn't remember talking to the police, holding the letter that had his step-brothers name on it. Clutching it tightly not wanting it to get tossed aside. He didn't remember when his mom and Burt showed up behind the ambulance and police cars that were dispatched. He didn't remember Burt practically carrying him to the car and stuffing him in the backseat to be held by his mother for the ride to the hospital. He knew Blaine was dead. There was no pulse when he raced to the body to check. His skin was cold and lips were blue. He knew he was too late. They all were. When the doctors came out to talk to Burt and Carole, Finn drowned out what they were saying. The letter still in his grips he knew he could only do one thing. He could make sure Kurt got this letter. He could make sure he was there for his brother no matter what. He could make sure Kurt never felt so bad that he made the same decision as Blaine. Fury was one emotion he didn't realize he'd have. He wasn't mad at Blaine. He was upset that Blaine felt he couldn't talk to anyone but he couldn't be mad at him. He was pissed off when Blaine's parents told Finn's that they wouldn't be home for the funeral and Cooper would handle it. They were too busy, they were sorry Finn found Blaine and if they would pay for any therapist bills Finn would rack up. Burt threw his phone across the room when Blaine's parents told the doctors that Cooper would handle everything and that until he got there they could just ask Burt and Carole what to do since they didn't care anyway. Finn wasn't sure how late it was when he finally dropped into bed. He knew Rachel and Kurt were on their way to Lima and would be there in the morning. He remembered how Burt broke down over the phone telling Kurt what happened. At one point Carole had to take over for Burt and Rachel for Kurt. The letter with Kurt's name so beautifully etched on the front taunted him throughout the night. Did he miss something? Was this partly Finn's fault for not seeing any signs from Blaine while they were at school? What could he have done differently?

* * *

The following morning found Kurt in his bed curled up in a ball. His skin was paler than usual; he was crying continuously, wrapped in one of Blaine's old sweatshirts, griping a pillow to his chest. He didn't even raise his head when Burt entered the bedroom and rubbed his back soothingly. Kurt was hit with memories of his mother's death, as well as the last time he saw Blaine. Did he do something to cause this? Was it because they were fighting? Did Blaine not feel loved by Kurt? What could Kurt have done to help Blaine? What could he have done to stop this? Kurt's emotions rolled as he let his father comfort him. His heart was broken with no way to repair it. Burt cried as he watched his son fall apart. He knew the feeling of having the love of your life ripped away from you. Once Kurt's breaths had evened out Burt knew he was sleeping. Burt carefully tiptoed out of the room to make Kurt something light to eat. When he got up again Burt was determined to force something into his stomach. Kurt hadn't spoken, eaten or showed since yesterday when he heard the news. Burt wasn't going to let Kurt slip into the darkness too.

Kurt tossed and turned in his sleep. Blaine was the only thing on his mind. The moment they met, the electricity that shot through his body as Blaine grasped Kurt's hand and dragged him down the hallway. Their first kiss, the long crying session they had when Kurt transferred back to McKinley. The high of surprise when Blaine showed up along Kurt's locker telling him he transferred for love. The promise ring Blaine gave Kurt. Their first time having sex. The many times after that. The pain he felt when he left for New York. The heartbreak of hearing that Blaine was with someone else. The torment when he got that dreaded phone call. Kurt wished it was a bad dream and he would wake up with Blaine beside him. He didn't care anymore that Blaine cheated. He cared that Blaine assumed Kurt didn't care or love him anymore. When Kurt opened his eyes he hoped and prayed to whatever higher being there may or may not be that Blaine would be beside him, but he woke up to find Finn sitting on the floor against the window staring into space. One soft sob from Kurt was all it took for Finn to rush over and pull Kurt into his arms.

* * *

The funeral for Blaine Anderson was beautiful. With his parent's money Cooper had managed to pull together a small service in memory of Blaine. Cooper gave a spectacular eulogy that not only acknowledged his brother in honor also told the tale of a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse by the hands of their parents. He opened up about how he didn't help Blaine as much as he should have and now regrets most of his life. It stung Kurt to hear Cooper turn what should be solely about Blaine into what was about Cooper and how Cooper would make it through this. Thankfully it was rectified by Mr. Schue's speech about a boy who loved to sing, loved to dance and loved life. A boy who loved another so deeply that when he made a mistake it was the tipping point. Burt and Sam said a few words about how much they cared for Blaine and how they were truly sorry they never saw the signs. How they would have done anything in their power to help Blaine. Burt spoke about how he knew Blaine's parents weren't around but he never realized how bad it was until it was too late. Then vowed to be there for anyone of Kurt's friend that needed anything. He swore it could be kept secret but that he was an ally for all of them no matter what their problem was. Wes and David spoke together about a boy who they watched change from a scared, hurt, angry kid into a mature young man who they were proud to call their best friend. Kurt folded and unfolded the speech he prepared in his hands. He wanted to say something but couldn't find the strength to get up there and not burst into tears. As it was he couldn't stop crying. When it was his turn to go up he pulled Finn alongside him. Finn had been the best brother in the world since this happened. Never straying far from Kurt's side, always there to hug him, even holding him until he fell asleep.

Kurt walked up to the podium somberly, "Blaine." Kurt swatted the tears away from his cheeks, "B…Blaine….I…Lov…." Kurt couldn't continue. His sobs echoed through the room. Finn whispered into Kurt's ear as he rubbed Kurt's back. Kurt took a deep breath and tried again, "Courage. When I think of Blaine. I think 'courage'." He swallowed down a sob, "I met Blaine during a time when I was vulnerable, and scared. A time in my life when I needed someone but wasn't sure who or exactly what I needed. He was there. He helped me through everything." Kurt bit his lip to keep from crying again, "I…I…I fell…In love with him…from the moment we met." Kurt closed his eyes for a moment trying to ground himself, "I saw it in his eyes. I was lost in them. He grabbed my hand and led me down the hall and in the musical world we live in serenaded me." Kurt kept his eyes on the paper he was holding, "While I was at Dalton we became fast friend and then boyfriends and it hurt so much when I transferred back to McKinely but then he was there. Like my personal savior….He was the one…that pushed me to…to go to New York…to follow my dreams…" Kurt glanced up at the audience, "I've never felt so loved, so cherished, so perfect with someone than I did with Blaine. He was the most amazing human I've ever met." Kurt took a shaky breath, "He was kind, caring, loving, always put others first, perfect, genuine. He loved me as no one ever has before. He was protective, and strong. Never would he let anything hurt me. Blaine loved me so much." Kurt closed his eyes as more tears ran down his face, "I wish there was something I could have done. Or said. I just hope that he knew how much I loved him. How much I'll miss his smile, his laugh, his touch and his kiss. How much it hurts to not have him by my side. I've lost my best friend, my soul mate, the better half of me. I love him so much. I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare and have him by my side but I know when I wake up tomorrow I'll be alone. He won't be there to comfort me. The only sense of comfort I have now is that his pain is gone. He is free from the inner torment he felt. And although I wish he was here, I at least know that he's no longer in pain. That is the thought I'll carry with me. I'll will away the feelings of sadness and replace them with how loved he made me feel and how he's not in pain anymore." Kurt breathed deeply, "I lost the love of my life. You've lost a great friend, and the world lost one of the greatest performers of our lifetime. Nothing will ever be as horrible as that." Kurt folded the paper and put it back in his pocket, "Blaine and I promised each other we'd never say goodbye. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'll never be ready to say goodbye to him. He will live on in my heart, in my dreams and in my actions. I can only hope that one day we will meet again, maybe in another lifetime but I know I will find him again and when that happens I hope I'm not stupid enough to let him fall into the arms of depression again. I hope that I can help him overcome depression and help show him a life worth living for and a love so deep it never ends." Kurt covered his face with his hands as he finally broke down in front of everyone. He let Finn gently steer him to his seat and allowed Burt and Carole to wrap their arms around him.

The rest of the day passed in a haze for Kurt. He cried as the casket was carried out by Finn, Cooper, Sam, Wes, David, and Burt. When Kurt said he just couldn't do it Sam offered to stand in for him. He sobbed as Blaine was lowered into the ground in the same graveyard his mother was buried in. Kurt looked towards the sky wondering if in some way his mother was there to great Blaine in whatever the afterlife was. He hoped she was. If there was any type of afterlife Blaine deserved to finally meet Kurt's mom. Kurt was on his way to hysterics when he saw all the red and yellow roses people placed around and atop the casket. Kurt was the first to place his and the last to drop a single red rose before Blaine was lowered to his final resting place. Kurt was numb for the remainder of the day. He curled up in his bed with Mercedes, and Rachel hiding out from the guests that were in his living room. He must have fallen asleep because when he opened his eyes the sky was dark and the girls were gone. He lifted his head only when he heard the soft knock before Finn walked in tentatively. Kurt saw a crisp white envelope in his hands.

"Hey." Finn said softly. Kurt nodded his head slightly in response, not in the mood to talk, "I…uh…This was…It's yours." Finn stuttered, "He was holding it when I…." He left the sentence hanging in the air, "Mom and Burt know about it…Burt said it's probably time to give it to you." Finn was careful with his words, "I don't know if you want company while you read it or what but…uh…I just…I wanted you to know that I'm here…Ya know…if you need me." Finn held the letter out for Kurt to take.

"Um…I'm okay. I think I want to read this alone." Kurt said softly turning the envelope over in his fingers. It was larger than a letter envelope but not much bigger than the small photo of him and Blaine after Kurt was coroneted Prom Queen. Kurt watched as Finn nodded his head, gave Kurt's shoulder a sqeeze and shut Kurt's door behind him. Kurt's eyes watered as he traced his fingers over the calligraphy on the front of the envelope,

"_Kurt Hummel"_

Kurt carefully opened the envelope not wanting to tear it in any way. He was surprised when a small disk slipped out and a piece of paper. The disk said, "_Watch me before reading"_

Kurt pulled his laptop onto the bed and slipped the disk in. He bit back a sob when Blaine filled the screen,  
"Kurt. If you are watching this then something happened to me. Or I finally did it and I'm gone. Please, please, please, don't think this is your fault. It's not. I'm sick. I'm sad all the time, I've been cutting myself for a while and I can't stop. It hurts so much inside. The only way I can relive the pain is to cut myself and toy with my life. I love you so much. Please baby. Please live on for me. You have to be happy, successful and wonderful. Be everything I'm not. Please live your life happy for me. Live your life to the fullest. You are the love of my life, Kurt and I'm so sorry if this hurt you. I never want to let you go. But I can't live on in this pain." Blaine pulled his guitar into his lap and began strumming along.

_Time has run out, for me.  
Everything's distant and I don't know what to believe.  
It's so hard, lost in the world confusion.  
And I need to leave, for a while.  
Life is so meaningless, there is nothing worth a smile.  
So goodbye, I'll miss you._

_And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.  
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.  
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.  
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.  
I'm not worth any tears._

_It's been the years, of abuse.  
Neglected to treat the dissorder,  
That controls my youth, for so long.  
I'm in a fleshy tomb, burried up above the ground.  
It's no use, why should I hold on?  
It's been five years, don't need one more.  
So goodbye, life's abuse._

_And I'm sorry, but this is my fate.  
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.  
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.  
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.  
I'm not worth any tears._

_And I'm sorry, but this my fate.  
Everything is worthless, no one who wants me to stay.  
And I'm sorry, but I've waited too long.  
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.  
So here's my goodbye, no one will cry over me.  
I'm not worth any tears _

"I love you Kurt. Please don't cry over me. Be happy. Have courage. I love you."

Kurt sobbed as the video faded to black. He closed the laptop and slid it off the bed. He curled into himself as Blaine's song rang in his head over and over. He couldn't belive that's how Blaine felt. How could Kurt be so in love with him and not see what was really happening? Kurt decided it was finally time to open the letter. His hands shook and tears fell as he opened the last words he'd ever read from Blaine.

"_My dearest Kurt, _

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hurt you so much. I can't live anymore. This pain inside is too much. I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I can't sleep. All I think about is how I hurt you. I'm so sorry Kurt. Please forgive me. Please. You are the most important person in the world to me. I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me for everything. I'm so sorry. I just can't live anymore knowing how much I hurt you. I love you. So much. I tried to live. I tried. I'm sorry I'm a failure. I'm sorry I'm no good. I love you Kurt. You are the love of my life. I want you to move on and live your life and be happy. Please be happy Kurt. You're smile lights up the world. You are so wonderful, so perfect, so lovely. You are the most beautiful man on Earth. Follow your heart and dreams. You can do anything and everything. I have faith in you Kurt. I love you._

_Courage._

_Yours always and forever,_

_Blaine"_

Kurt curled into his pillow with the letter in his hands, the words smeared with tear drops. He closed his eyes as memories of Blaine haunted his dreams.

* * *

**One year later:**

Kurt walked across the stage to the baby grand piano. He was dressed in black pants, a white button up shirt, with a black bowtie. His signature gold necklace with a "B" hung around his neck tucked between his chest and dress shirt. He sat down at the bench, and licked his lips before he spoke, "I wrote this song after I lost someone very dear to me. The love of my life. My soul mate. My confidant. My other half. This song is for you, Blaine. I'll never stop loving you and I'll never say goodbye." Kurt stretched his fingers over the keys, playing the first few bars before singing:

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

...me, me, me.

As Kurt felt a cool draft next to him on the piano bench he couldn't help but smile. Blaine was beside him. He could feel it. Kurt closed his eyes and remembered Blaine's touch. He would swear that he could feel it. Kurt stood while the audience clapped and hoped that he'd made Blaine proud. He hoped that he was living the life Blaine always wanted for him. Kurt swore to continue to hold onto the memories of Blaine for as long as he'd live.

* * *

Sixty years later Kurt Hummel was known on Broadway and in the fashion world. News of his heart attack and death would make the front pages of all major news outlets. He never married or had children but he was loved by many friends. His father and step-mother had passed along with his step-brother years earlier. Rachel Berry and Mercedes Jones were the ones to speak the most at Kurt's funeral. Both girls cried as Kurt was buried next to Blaine in their hometown of Lima, OH. Noah and Quinn Puckerman had bought a weeping willow tree and planted it next to Finn's on McKinley High grounds. Blaine and Kurt's name engraved on the plaque under the tree. The world wept as they reacted to the shock of his death.

* * *

**Year 2095: London, England**

A young curly headed man walked into the local tavern where he was supposed to play a gig. He had visited the establishment earlier in the week on karaoke night and they offered to pay him to return. He loved to sing. He was working his way through medical school but that didn't stop his love for playing guitar and singing. Old classics were his favorite. Throughout the evening he kept catching the eyes of a beautiful young man about his age with the most interesting eye color. He couldn't pinpoint if they were blue, grey or green. It was an odd mix of all three. He felt as if his soul was pulled towards the young man. He couldn't stop staring at him. Once he had a break he took the opportunity to brush shoulders with the stranger and introduce himself.

"Hi, I'm Kurt."

"Blaine."

"Oh there you are. I've been looking for you for forever."

**A/N: **

**Songs used are:**  
**Evanescence-My Immortal**  
**And Then I Turned Seven-Goodbye, I'm Sorry**

**Youtube the songs. They are really good.**


End file.
